This is just to say...

I feel a bit flat right now.  I feel like mental illness is difficult not just because mental illness is difficult, but because it is so little understood.  I have had people tell me I am bipolar, ADD, or vitamin B deficient, or just plain strange.  I have had people tell me I have depression, dysthymia, anxiety, depersonalization and derealization, Complex PTSD, and a whole stew of other things.  I have had people tell me to turn to religion, to health, to just try more, to put myself out there more.  I have had people recommend books and ted talks and songs and types of therapy.  Diets.  Meditations.  Maybe I have them all and maybe I have none of them.  Maybe I am just lazy or maybe I am 'dwelling' and creating my own mental illness.

I don't know.

And I'm tired.  I'm not giving up.  I'm not giving in.  But I needed to say it, because I feel it in my BONES.  I am tired.

And I would like to start feeling a little more real again, please.

Flailing snow angels

We had our worst winter storm yet yesterday.  It hit in the middle of the night, and most schools cancelled school or did a late start...but not mine!  So I trudged out the door at 6 am...and immediately was in knee-high snow.  I had to laugh while pushing through a foot of snow to get to my car, because it felt like such a 'This is a Teacher Life' moment.  Like there would be a bunch of undisturbed yards where everyone was snug in bed, and then there would be a weary path through the snow at random houses where teachers had to push through to get to work (I pictured it as an above shot from Google Earth).  Not that teachers are the only ones who had to go to work, but as that is my job, that's who I pictured.

I got to my car (also covered by a foot of snow) and realized that I would have to dig it out in order to go anywhere.  I started brushing all the snow off with my ice scraper/snow brush and working my way around the car.  Everything was cold (I don't plan well, so I had not worn snow boots or gloves), but fine...until I hit the curb.  Down I went, right into a huge snowbank.  I tried to stand back up, but my high school skater shoes did not have the traction to do so.  (Side note about my shoes later).  I slipped back into the snow, so at this point if anyone had been awake to look out of their window, they would have seen a girl flopping like a fish in the snow, even though she was obviously not dressed for snow angels.  Finally, I looked at my hand sadly, and then put it into the snowbank in order to push myself up to standing.  I grabbed a nearby tree and pulled myself out of the snowbank.  I was so discombobulated by this point I thanked the tree (out loud.  I'm not rude).  I made it into my car, looking more like an icicle than a human, and made the hour-long half-an-hour drive to school (white knuckled and shaky, but safe!)

Winter has just started, and I'm already completely over the snow.  I need some hot chocolate.  And whiskey.  And more whiskey.

Tired

I feel like January has lasted 5 years.  In the 7 years since January has started, I have had a lot happen in work, family, personal, friendship, etc.  My friend moved, my work was audited, paperwork was due, meetings needed to be held, I had a birthday, my partner had a birthday, I lost a pet (Sam, the sassiest fish), I had multiple existential crises (can you just live in a constant state of existential crisis?), my anxiety and depression ticked up, and I have had the startling realization that I'm just coasting...still...despite several attempts to get out of my rut and start living.

But in the 10 years since January started, I have also: realized that this relationship is hard, but that it is hard because we are trying to do it WELL.  Meaning I am trying not to lose myself in a person and that person is trying to have healthy boundaries and also let someone in.  We are both trying to learn to navigate this whole being responsible for ourselves while having another person in our lives that we need to take into consideration...thing.  I have met new friends and reconnected with old ones.  I got a piano, and was shocked by how much music and joy that has given me.  I have spent a lot of quality time with my grandmother, whom I look up to and adore so much.  (I will tell you about my grandma another time- she is the coolest person).  I have gone to drag shows and burlesque shows and comedy shows and dance shows.  I have watched pole dancing with my grandma.  I have danced and slept and watched reality tv and worried and laughed.  I started the most Hufflepuff war with my best friend- she works in the same building and so I took her Italian Cream Sodas I made at work and dropped them off at the front desk, and she in turn dropped off cookies at my work with a note that said, "Two can play this game."  I have talked for hours with far away friends, and made bubbles with my partner's kids and took videos of them laughing and didn't even feel upset that the kitchen was drenched in bubbles after.  

So I guess that even though right now I feel tired in my bones, and frustrated, and more than a little sad and lost...there are good things that have come from this 100 years of January.  So maybe this year is going to be okay.